Mama

There’s an old joke..
That if it’s not one thing … it’s your Mother….. well here goes .. and this isn’t so much stream of conscienceness as it is stream of emotion.

Yes… this time it’s about my mama….

the last couple of days were an anniversary of sorts …

March - 2013 .. mom was admitted to WakeMed with suspicions of a stroke.

It wasn’t.

But it was a wake up call to the relationship to medicine and the end of life..

In 2013

We … my sister and i … we … made a decision to take mom off of all meds except pain killers as needed.

the older doctors objected … we felt un heard

the young doctor supported our decision and we knew we were making the right decision

Here we are, 2019

She’s still alive … feeling no pain and nothing else either.. there is nothing there but the physical manifestation with a brain that only reacts to reflex ..

I have a really hard question - but one that as a society … we really really really need to discuss …

dying with dignity … what does that mean to you?

JoAnne801_53to10.jpg
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Daddy

Warning .. stream of consciousness ahead …

He’s been gone since ’99… but every once in a while he appears in a dream.

The dreams have changed over the years.

At first I wanted to know (in the dream) where he’s been hiding… what has he been doing since I’d seen him last …. and he wanted to know where his meager savings had gone…

Now - Lately… in my dreams … I’m always wanting to organize …

And Daddy… in my dreams these last few years…
He doesn’t play a big role - but sits in the passenger seat … watching me drive.
Some of my most favorite times as a 15 year old -  were learning to drive with my Daddy in the passenger seat.
Sometimes … I really want to hear that soothing reassurance that things will be ok..
and then I wake up and realize …

it is all a dream

5th grade - memories

when do we become the older version of ourselves …

1967 …

5th grade

I remember a reel to reel movie about climate change… I remember no details really - but I remember the space I was in when I first realized that humans were impacting the health of the planet… that we were gonna have to turn things around and think bigger picture …

I remember thinking that’s too big … no way… we’re not going there… THAT’S TOO SCARY … t h a t … i s … t o o …. s c a r y … crazy..
and there were soothing things said afterwards.. things that soothed the scary parts..
we were lulled into a sense of complacency… and I remember thinking …

~ oh thank goodness … that was just scary stuff ….

But ‘they’ were taking care of it… i don’t need to do anything about it - ~they’ve got it under control… it’s really not a thing…

I remember thinking this in 5th grade … sitting there -3rd row 2nd from my left.

I remember it because it was scary and I was paying attention. - I remember the space and the light as it came thru the window on my left - thru the blinds - I’m looking at the screen and thinking - that’s scary!

It was too much… way too much for that 10 year old to grasp

5th grade

I had the teacher no one wanted to get … at least not if you were a half-assed lazy, easily distracted prone to day-dreaming kind of kid…

she was scary and there were rumors…

5th grade

she taught for a long time and she had a reputation.

she scared a lot of us … some are still close friends of mine and we share the same ptsd stories …

the dame was scary…

5th grade

the Year I first got a glimmer of what I could do if I worked hard and made the effort … even a half assed effort…

I was so scared of that woman .. you worked hard so she’d be nice

She wasn’t very nice to the ones that could - but wouldn’t.

1967

It was the year I first heard about climate change…

It was my first year of self awareness.

It was the only year I ever gave flowers to my teacher at the end of the year
….
funny what memories can do

#they #whothefuckisthey #theyisus #teachersthatmatter

Sometimes - we have to have the doubt scared out of us before we see the light.

(The photo was taken in 2009 at sunset after storm off the coast of Harker’s Island, NC and has nothing to do with the post but posts are boring without pretty pictures.)

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Crossroads

Cedar Grove NC

https://www.farenoughphoto.net/blog/abandoned-north-carolina-pender-store

https://www.farenoughphoto.net/blog/abandoned-north-carolina-pender-store

I wish I could paint, sculpt, write, sing, play, act ....

But I can't

.... so i take pictures

I wish I could be ok with uncomfortable

But I'm not

.... so I live 1/2 a life...

somewhere in Durham NC

somewhere in Durham NC

LadyBug / #Coccinellidae

#Coccinellidae

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coccinellidae

http://mentalfloss.com/article/80471/14-darling-facts-about-ladybugs

 

Strawberry Moon

Wilmington North Carolina over the Intracoastal Waterway.

Strawberry Moon on 6.9.2017 @ 8:49PM

Strawberry Moon Wilmington NC 6.9.2017

f/2.8 ISO 320 1/10

50mm f /1.4 Sigma Art lens on a Nikon df

Handheld using a railing for stability.

.... Dirty has its charm.

I've had a relationship with Durham, NC since I was a baby because I had a set of grandparents that lived in Durham.

As life would have it for me - I later ended up living (and I still do) in their same house.

I moved to Durham as a single (divorcing) mother of 3. Into the same house and 'big city' that I visited as a child. ( Durham was a 'city' to us - because where we lived and where I grew up was decidedly not ... a city.)

In the not too distant past (and even still a little today) - Durham has had a 'local reputation'. A reputation that was at one time and in part - maybe deserved - but definitely not to the extent that was shared in the local news that flowed within some of the sister communities - in the bordering counties especially.

I've loved this sweet Southern city for all of my life and I've felt very lucky to be able to call it home most of my 'adult' (whatever that is) life. I moved to Durham from one of our neighboring communities...so I was familiar with the reputation. I managed my early fears of living here by just cancelling my newspaper subscription. Obviously - this was pre-internet - and newspapers were our major source of information on anything beyond our doorstep... so, I just rid my 'daily newsfeed' of the negative press...

However, I still had friends and a former family member or two that took it upon themselves to keep me informed of the reputation.

I always loved Durham. It was my home and me being me - I took the opposite stance and with great conviction I began touting its charms to anyone that would listen. And - one of its biggest charms was that one had to have an open mind to see them .... 

... an open mind

I love this place and it is validating to see others now realize the unique charms of Durham.

Flash forward 25 years to 2017...

Yes, I'll admit - it is sort of exciting to watch it grow (almost overnight it feels like), and become a destination...for unique people and diverse ideas.  We're a 'destination' that others seek out. .... be it for just a visit or for a new full time home...

I also have a niggling fear these days...

That Durham will lose too much of its 'dirtiness' ... a dirtiness that helps an open mind stay open.

I fear that it will lose the very thing that made it special and unique.

I hope we don't lose the soul of its charm in the name of growth and the almighty $$.

I hope the 'we' of Durham recognizes the value of grittiness and dirt in the process of creativity.

I hope the 'we' of Durham always remembers the value of diversity and character.

And that the 'we' of Durham nurtures and encourages and protects the creative souls within our borders.

I hope we always have an open mind.

#openmind

#keepitalittlebitdirtyDurham #dirtydurham #keepitdirtydurham #durhamnc #durham #durhamathleticpark #libertycafe #dap #baseball

Tis the season for silver and gold..

Silver and gold...and a bit of red and green.